Lonely Illusion
by D-chan
Summary: Sanzo x Goku, Konzen x Goku :: sidefic to Illness Illusion :: slight AU, language, mild Gaiden spoilers, shounen ai :: Is the Konzen Goku sees really there... or is he just an illusion during a boy's time of need?


**:: Lonely Illusion ::**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Sanzo/Goku, Konzen/Goku

Warnings: slight AU, language, angst, mild Gaiden spoilers, shounen ai

Dedicated to: Nikki (love you; did my best to load on the angst for you~)

Notes: Idea was inspired by a Japanese oekaki Nikki showed me, and then I decided to write this fic so she'd feel happier. I've been wanting to do Sanzo/Goku angst (among other things) and this idea just seemed to fit. The pairings aren't direct, and Konzen/Goku is probably the strongest... but they _are_ intended to be there. Of course, I can leave it solely up to the reader's opinion.

You may want to read _Illness Illusion_ to understand a few things, such as why Goku's like this when he's sick. It's not required, but may explain more... and this _is_ intended as a sidefic/sequel and such.

Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

--

It always seemed as though they got worse before they got better, no matter what he did to prevent that. It made Sanzo grimace, realizing what he'd have to put up with, but that came with taking care of a pet.

Which was all this boy was, of course. A pet. A pet that was currently tossing on his little mattress, his face flushed with high fever and sweat trickling down the side of his face, forcing the loose brown locks to cling to his skin. The boy moaned softly, his face screwing up as though he'd just eaten something positively awful.

Sanzo scoffed lightly, kneeling down by the boy and dabbing at his wet face dutifully. _Naturally any comparisons I make with this damn monkey _would_ have to do with food..._

Goku hardly even seemed attuned to his presence anymore, but while annoying and unusual, _that_ Sanzo found he could deal with. It was unnerving at best, but at least the kid wasn't in his demon form. Yes, in comparison Sanzo found he was extremely _grateful_ that Goku was only acting like a complete and utter lunatic.

"Stupid monkey," he muttered to himself, frowning as the coolness of the washcloth faded. Goku's fever wasn't residing much, though Sanzo was hesitant to call it anything critical. He shook his head, partially in disgust, as he got back to his feet to run the cloth under cold water again.

_I swear, the things I do for that brat,_ he thought in annoyance, his hands wringing out the washcloth. Honestly, he wasn't Goku's damned owner! Goku was a pet, sure, but he was more the type of pet that no owner wanted simply because it made too much noise, annoyed you endlessly, and cost a hell of a lot of money to feed.

In the latter case, Goku was actually _worse_ than an annoying pet.

This time when the cloth touched the boy's head, Goku gave a start. His eyes opened a bit, nothing but golden haze beneath a blank stare. His mouth moved a little, but not enough for Sanzo to make anything sensible out. Then, to his surprise, Goku just smiled a bit and closed his eyes again, falling asleep. What was most odd was that he made no noise at all, not even the feverish moans.

And when Sanzo checked again seconds later, he could have sworn the boy's temperature had gone down considerably.

--

_Where... am I?_

He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he hurt; he couldn't even see his own body, but he knew that he ached all over, like one giant bruise. It made him whimper. Had he been any stronger he would have berated himself for doing that -- _Oh, man, if he hears me he'll be so mad_ -- but he felt weak and languid enough as it was.

_Feels... painful... but like I'm flying..._

Was he flying? Cracking his eyes open a bit he could see a blur of colours swimming hastily before him. Not very many pretty colours... white, maybe a cream or beige, sometimes brown, dark brown, mahogany...

And then the blaring gold of the sun that made him clench his eyes shut again.

_The sun... I _must_ be flying,_ he thought dizzily, half awed by the idea. He wanted to lift his arms, see if he could touch that brilliant gold, but even as his mind's eye showed him doing exactly that a part of him realized that his arms were really still pinned to the bed.

He heard a faint moan and wondered if it was his or someone else's. He felt a very familiar, warm, almost too-hot presence beside him. It made his heart rate suddenly speed up.

_Oh no... no, no, no... still there? Thought it was a dream... just a really bad dream..._ He winced inwardly as something cold and wet touched his forehead; it felt like ice in comparison to the heat of his skin. _No... he's not dead... no blood... we're not hidden away someplace... no..._

He began to shiver; whether it was from apprehension or his illness he wasn't certain. The coldness on his head left, and the moment it did it felt like fire had descended on him again. He bit his lip, shifting as he tried to roll out of the pit of hot coals. _Toohothothothot__..._

The icy touch graced him again, but this time it made him jerk in surprise. He forced his dead-weight eyes open, and once he did everything hit him like a heavy, unexpectedly oncoming boulder. It wasn't just hot, it was like _fire_. It made every nerve feel as though it was being scraped raw. His vision was suddenly focused and clear, fixated on one thing that made him immediately forget about all the pain.

"... Konzen..." He wasn't sure if he said it aloud or if he only heard his own voice in his mind. But there he was, clothed in his usual white, his hand strangely cold but soothing on his forehead. He gave the man a slight smile, a feeling of utter safety flooding his senses, extinguishing the fire.

_He's still here... alive... no one's dead... we're okay..._ And with those comforting thoughts in mind, he allowed his heavy eyelids to fall shut again as he collapsed against the sheets again and fell asleep.

--

Reflecting on it, Sanzo found he was at least glad the fever had broken. Now he didn't have to go back and forth attending to the little brat. All Goku needed now was sleep-- a lot of it, but whatever it took to get him better so Sanzo didn't have to play servant-boy all day.

He didn't come back until late evening, figuring that he might as well feed the boy if he didn't want to get rid of a shriveled corpse later on-- or worse, hear Goku whine about how hungry he was.

Entering the room, he found nothing out of place. Goku was sleeping fitfully on his mattress, the sheets tangled around his legs probably from being kicked on and off for hours. Scoffing lightly, Sanzo set the food down by the boy; if the smell didn't wake him up, nothing else would.

_Might as well check his temperature,_ he thought with a touch of annoyance. Sanzo had to pull one of his gloves off before he rested the back of his hand on the boy's head--

And then Goku grabbed him.

Sanzo stiffened on reflex, ready to throw the boy off should he try to fight him. But Goku just lay there, gripping his keeper's arm, his golden eyes wide open, pupils contracted to pinpoints. Both of them were like that for minutes on end, with Goku breathing harshly and Sanzo still tense enough to throw the boy off.

Then Goku suddenly relaxed, murmuring something as he fell back to sleep almost instantly. Sanzo was left turning his wrist, working out some of the soreness.

_... What in the hell was that?_

"K... on... zen..."

Sanzo looked at the boy sharply, frowning. _Should have remembered that..._ He had no idea where the boy had gotten this "Konzen" name from, nor why he kept calling Sanzo by it. He had quickly learned not to even try to tell the boy otherwise, because Goku would just stubbornly insist that he was _Konzen_.

"What?" he asked quietly, his voice clearly laced with annoyance.

For once, Goku didn't answer. He just groaned softly, eyes slowly opening partway. His gaze seemed acutely focused despite the heavy-lidded expression, but he wasn't looking at Sanzo at all. Instead he was staring up, as though he could see something -- or someone -- above him.

"Kon... zen..." The boy reached up, his fingers trembling. He didn't look at Sanzo once, his eyes staring straight ahead as he seemed to grasp for something.

Something he apparently couldn't reach.

It grew even more alarming when Sanzo noted the tears threatening to spill.

--

_Nice..._

It almost felt as though he were in the man's embrace, something that had happened rarely but had always made him very happy. Sometimes he would wonder if that man ever saw him as more than an inconvenience or a pet, but there were little things he'd done to assure him he was wanted... maybe even loved.

He murmured quietly when the touch brushed across his head, and again... but each time he grew more and more anxious. It was as though each touch was losing substance.

_No..._

He couldn't remember what life was like before he'd been brought to heaven, and he really didn't want to... because back then it was probably lonely, just so achingly lonely. He didn't want to be alone, never wanted to be alone again...

The sudden firm, absolutely solid and _real_ touch made him almost scream. He did reach out and grab the arm, not seeing anything even as it felt his eyes were wide open and stinging. Seconds or hours could have passed and he wouldn't have known the difference, but he finally let go and fell back into blissful darkness.

When he awoke again he was almost painfully aware of the presence again. He forced his eyes open, but for some reason seeing the white-clothed figure did nothing to ease his discomfort.

_Konzen..._

He tried to work the name out on his tongue, but it came out choked and garbled. He reached out toward the man, wanting to touch, wanting to feel the soft white cloth, the warm skin, the silken gold hair. It seemed like it had been ages since he'd touched the hair that reminded him so much of the sun...

And why did it seem like he was only getting further and further away the more he reached?

_No... Konzen..._

He whimpered softly, raising his aching arm to try to grasp the man. He could see Konzen's face clearly, so clearly despite his transparency... and the man's expression only made him ache worse. Not in his limbs this time, but his heart...

_No... don't go... you can't leave me alone..._

His eyes felt hot, prickly with tears he knew he would regret shedding later. But he couldn't be left alone; he couldn't! It was almost like he had been alone for hundreds of years before, and he could remember the isolation and loneliness too clearly...

_Don't... Konzen! Konzen!_

"_KONZEN!_"

--

The sudden scream was so loud Sanzo's cigarette fell from his mouth and into his robes, the end scorching it before he could do anything. Cursing, he stood, barely taking time to crush the butt beneath his sandal before running to the boy's room. He'd only left Goku alone for a few minutes and already the boy was screaming...

"Konzen!" The anguish was so clear it made Sanzo wince inwardly. He threw the door to Goku's room open, down by him and trying to keep him down on the makeshift bed before he realized what he was doing. But even then he noticed that Goku was trying to sit up, his eyes wide but not seeming to see anything in the room. He was grasping blindly for something Sanzo couldn't see.

"_Konzen!_" Sanzo had to duck to avoid a possibly fatal blow to the head. _Gotta__ get his hands down,_ was the only thing on his mind right now.

"Monkey," he fairly shouted. "Stop that or I'll fucking kill you!"

Goku didn't seem to hear him, struggling against him. Sanzo dimly realized he was lucky Goku was weak from illness; otherwise the brat may very well have taken his head off. From the way he was still screaming it was likely Sanzo's eardrums would burst at any given moment.

"Konzen! Don't leave!" Goku kicked at Sanzo as though he was some beast in his way, not seeming to care what damage he did so long as he could reach this Konzen person...

Who apparently was someone other than Sanzo at the moment.

The realization came as a start, one so strong that Sanzo stilled just long enough for Goku to kick free of him. Sanzo had to move back on him; one wild glance to the boy's head confirmed that the limiter was still intact, but there was no telling what might shatter it. If Goku hit something and it broke the diadem... or somehow that sheer power _within_ him broke it...

"Konzen..." Slowly the burst of strength seeped out of the boy until he was weak enough for Sanzo to effectively pin him to the floor. His breath was coming in short gasps; even weakened Goku put up a hell of a fight...

But over what?

"Konzen..." Goku sounded so broken as he finally gave up, lying beneath the blonde and shaking with childish sobs. He made a strangled noise, whimpering as he continued to cry. Sanzo slowly released him, crawling off the boy. Goku just turned over on his side, trying to muffle his cries with his fist.

Sanzo stayed in his place on the floor, finding he couldn't summon up any other reactions. All he could do was just sit there, stare, and watch the boy sob wretchedly.

Even after Goku fell asleep again he didn't even consider leaving.

--

A look of utter regret, tearing at his soul, making him wish he could run after the man, throw his arms around him, and everything would be like it always had been. But he couldn't run; he could barely even lift his arm...

"Konzen!" Somehow he found the strength within him to sit up, but that only made Konzen fade away faster. He was dimly aware of screaming, trying to catch that elusive image...

_Don't leave me! Don't! I've already lost you once--_

Had he? Had he really already lost the one most important to him? But then... where was he? Why was Konzen here? It made his head hurt and all he wanted was to hold the man until it went away. He was aware of screaming Konzen's name over and over, desperate as a prayer. He grew frightened when something grabbed him, holding him down to the earth as Konzen disappeared faster and faster into the heavens.

He shrieked, feeling wet drops as hot as coals streaking down his face, leaving trails of fire that only made him scream louder as he tried to kick away from the strange thing holding him down. He had to get to Konzen... he _had_ to!

_I don't wanna be alone again! Konzen!_

He struggled for what seemed like an eternity, his fingers stretching like a tree's branches reaches for the sky. He couldn't grab it, couldn't hold on... but he _needed_ it...

His strength was leaving him. Still reaching vainly after the man, he watched with horror as violet eyes gave him one last look, one that was far from tender but still told him what he always knew-- that he was cared for immensely. Loved, even...

_No..._

The foreign force holding him back finally won, and he gave up in despair. It hurt so much, like he'd already lost Konzen twice... why did it feel that way? And why did it hurt so _much_?

The strange thing finally released him and all he wanted to do was cry. So he did, curling up on his side and sobbing horribly and loudly. Eventually sleep took him, but it was a restless sleep that threw him into nightmares. There was blood everywhere, all over the place... violet eyes, black eyes, green eyes... gold... all looking at him, all accusing, all asking 'why'...

And he didn't even understand what 'why' they were asking of him.

--

It was far into the night by the time Goku awoke. Sanzo hadn't left the room, though he had long since moved from the floor to the windowsill, sitting and smoking as he pondered the previous events. He heard a telltale hitch of breath that hinted the boy was coming out of slumber but didn't even turn his head when he noticed Goku sitting up from the corner of his eye.

"Nn... Kon... zen...?" Sanzo bit back an irritated sigh, but nearly dropped his cigarette when Goku suddenly said, very softly, "You're not Konzen..."

Sanzo didn't budge. "At least you're not hallucinating anymore."

"Who... are you?"

Sanzo would have smacked the boy if he was sure a good whack would unscramble the idiot's brains. As it was, he might have only done more damage. He shook his head and muttered, "No one important." And that was true enough.

Goku fell silent for a while. When he did speak, Sanzo was only mildly surprised to hear the slight tremor in his voice-- and that voice was still light, as though he were a small boy and not a teenager. "Where... is Konzen?"

That Sanzo could answer with complete honesty. "I don't know."

There was some shuffling and then a light-heavy presence on his back. Sanzo frowned but Goku was leaning completely on him, using him for support. "You look... like the sun," the boy murmured dazedly, his fingers touching the man's short blonde hair. "You're not... Konzen... nnm... but you feel... kinda like him..." A small nose was pressed into his shoulder. "I... want to stay with you..."

Sanzo scoffed quietly, pushing at Goku. "Go back to sleep, you stupid monkey."

The wistful look was so childlike it was scary. "Even... talk like him..." Seeming to lose the last of his strength, Goku's legs collapsed beneath him. He curled up on the floor, shaking with what Sanzo guessed was both chill and desperately held back tears.

"... don't wanna be alone..."

Sanzo stared, a scowl on his lips, but the words that passed them, though rough-sounding, seemed to put the boy at ease. "I doubt I could get rid of you if I tried."

For the rest of the night, Goku said no more.

--

The sun was here, the sun was with him, and it was warm, felt so much like Konzen...

But it wasn't Konzen.

Realizing it made him want to cry all over again, but he'd done far too much of that already. Since when was he so weak? He had to grow up, become someone this new sun would rather stay with... because he didn't get the feeling this new sun made a habit of sticking around children.

Why couldn't he just have Konzen...?

He hugged himself, shivering. Even with this sun he somehow felt lonely. This sun wasn't as warm as Konzen; it had a layer of ice over it, dimming the warmth. Maybe he could break that ice, as he'd done with Konzen, but this ice was so much thicker... so...

When he closed his eyes he could see a field of flowers, bright in the daylight and every shade of violet imaginable. Dark as a velvet night's sky to light as soft lavender pastels... he wanted to pick them all, give them to the one he cared about most...

And then the flowers melted, shifted into a desolate rock cave, and the grass shriveled into dirt, and the pebbles became a sole dead bird just beyond his reach...

And the image of Konzen faded, the name erased from his mind, as the new sun stepped in and took him from his craggy rock prison.

_Sanzo..._

And in the depths of his dreams and healing, the white-clothed man was wiped clean of his mind, as well as the other names that came with him.


End file.
